I've been putting off a blog post because I don't have any fun new pictures to add, but this morning I was overcome with the urge to write. I suppose I can come back and add pictures later!
I'm really struggling with the dichotomy between the desires of my higher nature and my inner selfish, greedy lazy person. I want to clean with natural, safe cleaners, eliminate plastic, minimize my sugar intake, and eat a local, sustainable, natural diet. But I have a mold problem in my shower, and I love fast food and junk food, and when I'm rushed or panicked or overwhelmed, I will just start throwing things away. I love neatness and order, but I'm such a perfectionist that when I get overwhelmed I avoid certain areas in my house/life, and they descend into chaos. I will read my Bible every day for weeks, then avoid it for months. I am passionate about my faith, but uncomfortable and awkward when I pray.
What kind of person am I? I'm a frugal spendthrift, an organic junkfood-junkie, hard-working and idle.
It's hard to reconcile my ideals of they way I want to live with my finances and time limits, but that's not the real obstacle: it's me. As soon as I make a commitment, I start to feel caged by it. Maybe I'm some sort of addict, in that respect. I love these shows like "Intervention" and "Sober House," about people living with and trying to overcome their addictions. I feel an odd kinship with them. Dr. Drew once said that "addicts need rules because they need discipline." I think that describes me, too - if I am solely in charge of keeping myself on track, I will "give myself a pass" far too often, until all my commitments have been so broken as to become meaningless.
It feels weird putting all this out there on my blog, although I'm slightly comforted by the fact that no one reads it anway. Putting all these thoughts out there into the world feels like forcing honesty on myself. Maybe I'm doing my own intervention!
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