Compulsive Busy-ness

Busy, busy, busy days! I have two weeks off of work, and as usual, I seem to feel compelled to spend it catching up/getting ahead on household chores. But I'm done for the day, so it's time for a hot bath and some knitting.

The big news around here is that C and I are trying to get pregnant, without much success. We have wrestled with this decision for most of the years we've been together, and prayed and prayed about it, and finally it was right. I swear, I expected to get pregnant right then and there, as soon as we said the words, lol. But it hasn't happened as fast as I imagined...we need to get scientific about this.

Anyway, I have decided to "take control" by eating as if I was pregnant already - at least this way I can feel like I'm doing something. Vitamins...I should take vitamins, too.

Here is a random picture of some strange bugs my husband took, while he was working. I don't know what they're doing - mating? hanging out? Perhaps the big one is the little one's momma, or maybe it's fixing to eat the little one...anyway. For your viewing pleasure:

Snapshot Sunday

I am shamelessly lifting this from someone else's blog, who lifted it from someone else, etc. - just 5 random scenes from my house this Sunday.


Mice are dueling...


Bad guys are getting what's coming to them...


Laundry is drying...


Bread is rising...


And kitties are napping.

Not a bad day at all.

I Think I Found the Problem

This picture just seems to represent how I'm feeling these days. Head down in a toilet is not good, but if you've found the problem, perhaps it's a start.

I've been trying to reach out for some positive changes. I went to a 12-step meeting, which was a bit of an eye-opener. It was OA-HOW, though, and I don't know if that will be right for me. I'm cautiously optimistic, however. Also, C and I watched this movie at church, and it was really revealing, at least for me. We've been trying to work on our relationship. And, I think I feel healthier, mentally, when I spend part of my time in service to others, instead of all of my time obsessing about myself. I went up to my mom and dad's house this weekend and helped them assemble/install some garage storage - that was good. And since my only true skill seems to be organizing, I've also offered to help someone at church, who has some physical limitations, with some organizing.

I started reading Isaiah - I have been confused and disturbed by this book in the past, but this time is different...thoughts are just falling over one another to get written down in the margins!

I am grateful for:

1. C - when I got home yesterday, he had dropped off the recycling, made the bed, done his laundry (and R's), and the kitchen was not bad. Then when he got home, he mowed and edged, and helped in the garage. This was amazing and different.
2. The gift of summer school, and the stability it's giving to our finances.
3. Mom and dad living so close now.
4. Coffee
5. Pets
6. God

Resurrecting the Blog

I've been putting off a blog post because I don't have any fun new pictures to add, but this morning I was overcome with the urge to write. I suppose I can come back and add pictures later!

I'm really struggling with the dichotomy between the desires of my higher nature and my inner selfish, greedy lazy person. I want to clean with natural, safe cleaners, eliminate plastic, minimize my sugar intake, and eat a local, sustainable, natural diet. But I have a mold problem in my shower, and I love fast food and junk food, and when I'm rushed or panicked or overwhelmed, I will just start throwing things away. I love neatness and order, but I'm such a perfectionist that when I get overwhelmed I avoid certain areas in my house/life, and they descend into chaos. I will read my Bible every day for weeks, then avoid it for months. I am passionate about my faith, but uncomfortable and awkward when I pray.

What kind of person am I? I'm a frugal spendthrift, an organic junkfood-junkie, hard-working and idle.

It's hard to reconcile my ideals of they way I want to live with my finances and time limits, but that's not the real obstacle: it's me. As soon as I make a commitment, I start to feel caged by it. Maybe I'm some sort of addict, in that respect. I love these shows like "Intervention" and "Sober House," about people living with and trying to overcome their addictions. I feel an odd kinship with them. Dr. Drew once said that "addicts need rules because they need discipline." I think that describes me, too - if I am solely in charge of keeping myself on track, I will "give myself a pass" far too often, until all my commitments have been so broken as to become meaningless.

It feels weird putting all this out there on my blog, although I'm slightly comforted by the fact that no one reads it anway. Putting all these thoughts out there into the world feels like forcing honesty on myself. Maybe I'm doing my own intervention!